A reader has a touchy question about making love with his girlfriend of seven months, and has asked me to post his question here in the hopes that one of you can shed some light on his challenging situation.
In a nutshell, he's frustrated because he feels his girlfriend is "very emotionless and unresponsive" when they are in bed together. He says: "She has never even kissed or touched me sexually in the whole time we have been together and lies there with her arms defensively clamped across her chest looking awkward and uninterested. She tells me she loves me, and I believe she does, but as hard as I have tried to improve our relationship and resolve this problem she does not seem to be willing to help herself to get over whatever it is holding her back. She has told me that there is no particular reason other than not knowing how to express herself and she feels she has made progress in the last 7 months. I try to encourage and support this but inside I am upset that this has only progressed as far as her initiating a cuddle in bed. This is not satisfying my needs that have been neglected since we have been together. I have always had a very high sex drive and thrive on passion but her lack of enthusiasm is affecting my drive, confidence and sexual attractiveness towards her. I have tried to look beyond sex and sacrifice it for the sake of us having a lot in common but this fundamental part of any relationship is causing me to start to distance myself and has led to arguments between us, doubts in my mind and suspicions in hers.
As much as I love her I have a feeling that she will never be able to offer me what I need if she doesn't start making changes and the neglect is starting to make me wonder if I should split from her before I begin to seek my needs elsewhere. I fear that separating from her may emotionally scar her further however."
My take is that Shaun's girlfriend needs to speak with a counselor about what is holding her back. Perhaps she wasn't ready to have sex (Shaun doesn't state how old the two of them are), maybe she has intimacy issues, or perhaps she's even been sexually abused. But no matter what the reason, it is impairing their relationship with one another and needs to be addressed ASAP. I'd advise Shaun to have a heart to heart with his girlfriend in a non-threatening place that isn't sexually charged (i.e. not the bedroom) about what's going on, and suggest maybe she seek some professional assistance. If he's really wanting to make things work, he might even suggest they go together.
But readers, what do you think? What advice do you have for Shaun?
Related: How To Talk To Your Partner About Sexual Concerns, What To Do About Silent Sex With Your Partner, When Your Partner Is A Survivor of Sexual Abuse.
Reader Question About Emotionless Love Making originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 16:28:28.
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