Reader Question - Cheating With a Younger Man

Joe asks: "I am 34 and dating a 44 year old woman. We met in kinda questionable circumstances as she was still married and living with her husband. Two weeks after we started to see each other, she told me that she was going to meet some friends in another state for the weekend. One night in a drunken spillage she told me that she really flew there to meet and have sex with a 20 year old.

I knew that she was married and I was wrong but I thought that I was the only other guy. She is divorced now and wants to have a serious relationship with me but the fact that she flew away to have sex with a 20 year old boy kinda bothers me. I tried to talk to her about as I do feel that it is a bit sick to do so as she could be his mother not to mention that I feel that she found this boy more attractive than me in order to fly to meet him. She claims that she didn't think that we were exclusive but then I don't know why she did lie to me about it. Is it me or is this kinda sick? I feel that what she did is almost the equivalent of me having sex with a 10 year old. Advice please?"

Joe, your disgust at the age difference between this newly-divorced woman and her fling seems to be the most pressing issue in your advice request, but let's clarify first. If I read your email correctly:

  • You met a woman who was married and started a sexual relationship with her, knowing it was wrong but doing it anyway;
  • Two weeks after meeting, she flew out of state to have sex with a man 24 years her junior and lied to you about it initially;
  • This woman is now divorced and wants to pursue something serious with you, but you're hung up about what she did prior to a commitment, and how you feel it reflects upon you.

I'm hoping that reading all of that information in point form will help you see the situation for what it is: something to run away from, and fast. This woman wasn't able to uphold the commitment she made to her husband, and she went out of her way to lie to you about the other, other guy. My question to you is this: why would you want to be with this woman? If she wasn't able to be honest with her husband, why would she be with you?

Separate from this question is your comment about the behavior 'being sick' because of the age difference. Here's the thing Joe: she had consensual sex with an adult, albeit while she was married to someone else. Her behavior doesn't reflect poorly on you or your attractiveness. What it says is that she's impulsive and wanted a fling with someone younger, but she wanted something more substantial with you. And while I'm not condoning her behavior, there is nothing 'sick' about the age difference between her and her fling.

Now, if you feel its sick, again, I'm wondering why you'd want to be with this woman. You can't change the past, and you can't change what she's done - and it sounds like you'll be unable to forget what happened. So why not invest the time to find a woman whom you can trust, and who doesn't bring this kind of baggage that you obviously find untenable to the table?

Related: [Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated?](, [Predicting Infidelity](, [Dating Younger Men](

[Reader Question - Cheating With a Younger Man]( originally appeared on [ Dating]( on Monday, July 13th, 2009 at 18:05:07.

Permalink | Comment | [Email this]( Question - Cheating With a Younger Man)