Reader Question About Whether She Should Get Her Ex Back

16th August 2009

Confusted asks: "My boyfriend and I split up over five months ago. He cheated on me and then left after three years. Its been really hard on me and I miss him more then anything. Lately he's been calling my friends trying to get back into my life. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't trust him but I feel like I can't be without him. What should I do?"

I get this question a lot, although usually there are some variations, either in the form of getting caught cheating, wondering if he/she was going to cheat, or getting back together but repeating the same issues that were present before (sometimes cheating related, sometimes not). My answer for each of these situations is quite similar: if you can't trust your partner, then you shouldn't get your ex back. Period.

Can trust be re-earned? Definitely, but it isn't a quick, easy or terribly pleasant path for anyone involved when cheating is a factor, in my experience. The person who behaved poorly has to recognize their mistake(s), admit responsibility, get help with whatever behavior led them to the breach of trust, and then actively work with their partner regularly to ensure it never happens again. But the other person isn't off the hook either, they'll still need to review how their actions contributed to the situation - just as long as dating violence wasn't a factor - and work through any unfinished business as well.

Are either of you willing or able to move through this process together? I can't tell for sure from what you've shared, but my hunch is telling me no. Your ex could merely be curious as to how you're doing, and you are still very invested in making your ex your boyfriend again - without having worked through the breakup, as you state you "can't be without him". Frankly, you can be without him, and you already have been for the past five months. Don't put your romantic life on hold for this man who couldn't uphold his commitment to you, and work towards moving on from this painful relationship. I know its not easy, but you must in order to get ready to date once more, in order to find someone you can trust and adore.

Reader Question About Whether She Should Get Her Ex Back originally appeared on About.com Dating on Saturday, August 15th, 2009 at 16:54:21.

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